The Trouble With Thomas

Vice President for Owenland Park Productions John Owen announced today that the survival statistics for Thomas the Train while in residency at OPP are a dismal 62%. As a result, the Owenland Park Thomas will be placed on the list of species that are candidates for Endangered Species Act protection. Pictured from the left and listed by their Latin names are the current survivors;

1. "Holiday Thomas"
Holiday Thomas has all his paint and wheels. He is distinguished by the appearance of snow, a Christmas bell and a ribbon.

2. "Ve Uhver Holiday Thomas"
Ve Uhver Holiday Thomas also has all his paint and wheels. He too is distinguished by the appearance of snow, a Christmas bell and a ribbon.

3. "OLD Little Thomas"
Old Little Thomas is identifiable by the chipped paint which can be found around all edges and corners of his body. This is most visible in his lack of eyes and eyebrows. Old Thomas has possession of all his wheels.

4. "Broken Thomas"
Broken Thomas is missing two sets of wheels. His paint is very worn, especially around the eyes and eyebrows, though he still possesses these features.

5. "New Broken Thomas"
New Broken Thomas is battery operated. He is missing the treads on his drive wheels and one connecting rod. His stickers have a worn appearance.

6. "Big Thomas"
Big Thomas is a radio control unit but his controller has been MIA for over 2 years.

7. "Trevor Thomas"
Trevor Thomas USED to be connected by a retractable string to Trevor the tractor. Recently, Assistant Secretary to the department of Owenland Park Productions Jackson Owen insisted on separating these parasitic twin engines. The procedure went off better than expected and without any post operational regrets by any of the parties involved.

8. "Flashlight Thomas"
Flashlight Thomas is battery operated. Assistant Secretary Jackson Owen was deathly afraid of Flashlight Thomas during the first 3 years of his residency at Owenland Park. (Flashlight Thomas emits a loud chugging engine sound when his light is turned on.)

MISSING THOMASES (Would the plural of Thomas be Thomi?)

1. "Wyatt's New Little Thomas"
Wyatt's New Little Thomas took up residency at Owenland Park 2 weeks ago when a small portable turntable was installed on OPP grounds. He has all his paint and wheels. He has been missing 1 day.

2. "Jack's New Little Thomas"
Jack's New Little Thomas has all his paint and wheels. He has been missing 1 month.

3. "Old Broken Thomas"
Old Broken Thomas is a battery operated engine. He is missing both his connecting rods. Old Broken Thomas travelled to California early last summer and enjoyed a week of off-roading. Unfortunately the California dirt brought on early onset rheumatoid arthritis. His wheels turned terribly after that excursion.

4. "Driver Thomas"
Driver Thomas had a driver who stands up from the center of Thomas' cab. You push the driver down and Thomas was SUPPOSED to roll forward. Unfortunately, Driver Thomas never rolled forward without physical assistance from one of the OPP grounds keepers.

5. "Jack's First Little Thomas"
Jack's Fist Little Thomas has possession of all his wheels, though they turn terribly. His paint is heavily worn and looks as though some of it has been chewed off of his body. He has been missing 1 1/2 to 2 years.

Assistant Secretary Jackson Owen outlined a ground breaking step forward in boosting the survival rate of imperiled trains within Owenland Park: "We should go to K-mart and buy another Thomas!" Activist Wyatt Owen supported this proposed action in a surprise bi-partisan announcement "YEAH!"